


The Geeky Anthropologist

by SMB814



Series: Stargate Fairy Tales [2]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-04-01
Updated: 1999-04-01
Packaged: 2017-10-06 06:56:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/50913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SMB814/pseuds/SMB814
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A modern retelling of the fairy tale "The Ugly Duckling."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Geeky Anthropologist

**Author's Note:**

> **Time Frame: Written during Season 2. There are a lot of little references to first and second season episodes, but nothing major.**
> 
> ** Obligatory Disclaimer Stuff:** As much as I wish I did, I don't own Stargate SG-1 or any of its characters. They're the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is written only for entertainment purposes and no money has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story belong to me. Not to be archived without my permission.   
> **Author's Notes:** This is the second story in my Stargate Fairy Tales series. Beck just _had_ to issue a challenge for this story right when I had a ton of homework to do. Since I was looking for a reason to procrastinate, I took it. But next time, Beck, please pick a fairy tale that's a little, um, easier to work with, 'kay? :) Paralleling "The Ugly Duckling" to "Stargate SG-1" isn't the easiest task in the world. Oh, and the dog in the story is a tribute to the part I played in my kindergarten class play based on "The Ugly Duckling." Just thought I'd share that little worthless tidbit. :) Enjoy! 

The Geeky Anthropologist (As Told by Jack O'Neill)

Okay, see, there once was this man named....

"Ahem." *cough, cough*

What? Are you interrupting me already?

"You started the story wrong."

_What?!_

"I said you started the story wrong. Fairy tales always begin with 'Once upon a time'."

Oh, for crying out loud, this is _my_ story, Daniel. I'll tell it like I want to!

"But Daniel's right, Sir."

_Carter?!_

"Sorry, Sir, it's a rule. Fairy tales always start with 'Once upon a time.' You can't change it."

Carter, you're not supposed to show up in the story yet!

"Just had to voice my opinion. To prove our point, see here on page 523 of the book 'How to Tell Fairy Tales' it says...."

Carter, put the book away! Just let me tell the story, okay?

"Well...fine. A girl can tell when she's not wanted."

Now wait a minute, I didn't mean....

"Too late, Jack, she's gone. Anyway, you're going to get hate mail from the thousands, no, _millions_ of fairy tale lovers who'll scream 'Sacrilege!' if you don't start the fairy tale right."

So?

"So what's so hard with starting it 'Once Upon a Time'?!"

Fine! You want once upon a time, I'll _give_ you once upon a time. Sheesh, can't even get one line into the story and I'm already being harassed.

"Can we start over?"

Fine. Let's try this again, from the beginning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Geeky Anthropologist

(As told _completely safe for fairy tale lovers_ by Jack O'Neill)

_Once upon a time..._

"Thank you."

...there lived a graduate student named Daniel Duck. ..... Daniel Duck?

"That's me."

Well I know _that._ I was referring to the name. Who would give you a name like "Daniel Duck"?

"My parents."

No kidding. I think I'm afraid to ask what their names were.

"Donald and Daisy."

Please tell me that's a joke. And let me guess, you have three cousins named Huey, Duey, and Luey too, right?

"Oh, Jack, that's just silly. Of course not. What do you think we are, _ducks_?"

You're not? Okay, okay, put down that watermelon. So the thought _had_ crossed my mind for a very brief instant....

"Well let me assure you, we're _not_ ducks, Jack. It's just a little homage to the original title of this story, 'The Ugly Duckling.' You mean you didn't catch that? Ha! Hey, guys, Jack didn't catch the reference to...."

_Anyway_, let's return to our regularly scheduled fairy tale, shall we? Now, Daniel was a student in the University For People Who Have Way Too Much Time On Their Hands So They Study Things Like Anthropology And Linguistics.

"To be honest, we generally refer to it as the U.F.P.W.H.W.T.M.T.O.T.H.S.T.S.T.L.A.A.L."

Right. Let's just refer to it as the University.

"Sure."

Good. Anyway, Daniel was working on getting his Degree For People Who Have Way Too Much Time On Their Hands So They Study Things Like Anthropology And Linguistics which, for our own sanity, we're just going to call a Degree. Unfortunately for Daniel, the others at the University didn't really like him because he was a geek. Wait a minute, wouldn't everybody who goes to the University For People Who Have Way Too Much Time On Their Hands So They Study Things Like Anthropology And Linguistics be a geek?

"Only the ones who propose in their thesis that the Great Pyramids in Egypt were built by an alien race of worms named Goa'ulds who live in people's brains, put a tattoo on their forehead, and have glowing gold eyes, who travel through a huge, honkin' two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it and is controlled by a device known as a DHD, who kidnap people and use them as slaves for mining a metal called Naquada, who move around in objects called Death Gliders or in huge flying pyramids, and who use weapons called zat'nik'atels, hand ribbons, and staff weapons are generally labeled geeks."

_That's_ your thesis?

"Well, yeah."

Okay, the "geek" thing is starting to make more sense now. Where did you _get_ such an idea?!

"From a recent tabloid article entitled 'Hostile Space Worms With Glowing Golden Eyes Kidnapped My Girlfriend.'"

And your teachers are going to let you _write_ on it?

"Of course. Dr. Catherine Langford is the one who gave me the article in the first place."

I should've guessed. Anyway, the others at the University didn't like Daniel so he felt sad. Everyone teased him because he had such a bizarre thesis...and I suppose I really can't blame them.

"Thanks for your support, Jack."

No problemo. I'm more than willing to support a quack. Oops.

"Ha, ha, Jack. Very funny."

Hey, no pun intended Daniel...Duck. Wait, I mean Quack. No, that's not right, I mean Duck!

"Just get on with the story, okay?"

Yeah, yeah, okay. Hold your horses...or maybe I should say don't get your feathers all ruffled....

"Jack!"

Sorry, sorry! I can't help it. I've got birds on the brain today. Uh-oh.

"Bird brain."

Hey, I _saw_ that one coming so it doesn't count.

"Yeah, right."

It doesn't.

"Sure. I believe you."

Really!

"Whatever you say. Uh-huh."

Quit arguing with the narrator!

"Fine! ..... Bird brain."

Quack.

"Turkey."

Duck.

"Chicken."

Woodpecker.

"Woodpecker?"

Sapsucker.

"Oh...oh yeah?!"

Yeah!

"....!!! Dodo!"

Okay, that's it! Nobody calls me Dodo and lives to tell about it! Ostrich!

"Goose!"

Roadrunner!

"Titmouse!"

Chickadee!

"Loon!"

Cockatoo!

"Flamingo!"

Pigeon!

"Blue Jay!"

Bluebird!

"Blackbird!"

Big Bird!

"Big Bird? He's not a real bird!"

So? Hummingbird!

"Catbird!"

Kingbird!

"Gallinule!"

Gallinule? What's _that?!_

"HA!! Gotcha! I won! It's a water bird, sort of like a coot, sort of like a..."

"Booby."

AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!

"AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!"

"Did I frighten you?"

Teal'c, is that you in there?

"It is."

"Whoa. Jack and I just...didn't recognize you in that...what _is_ that?"

Let me guess. A blue-footed booby bird outfit?

"That is correct. I am a blue-footed booby."

"Complete with staff weapon. Interesting."

Um, _why?!_

"I was told this was a retelling of The Ugly Duckling. In the original script I was supposed to be the mother duck, except the store had no duck outfits in my size. All they had was this...."

Blue-footed booby outfit, right, right.

"Oh, look, Jack. It even has blue feet. How...cute."

I take it back, Daniel. You're _not_ the biggest quack in this story after all.

"Do you like my outfit?"

"Oh...yeah."

It's great, Teal'c. Um, why don't you go change out of that...thing...so when your part in the story comes up later, you'll look like a normal person. Okay?

"Very well. I shall do as you ask."

Somebody _has_ to tell Teal'c not to take these stories so seriously.

"Look, Jack, he left a trail of feathers behind him. Maybe I can use them to refill my down-filled coat."

Later, Daniel. We have a story to tell.

"Oh, right."

Let's see, now where were we...oh yes! The others in the University didn't like Daniel because of his strange thesis. Poor Daniel was sad because the others teased him. Some put signs saying "Kick me, I'm a geek with a bizarre thesis" on his back. Others put hidden trap doors in front of ancient Egyptian displays in the University Museum so when he went to look at them, he'd fall down and go boom. There were even some students who stooped so low as to bite Daniel on the hand. Wait a minute, hand biting?

"Those were the ones who took lessons from Sam."

Carter teaches lessons on hand biting?

"Last time I checked, yeah. She's a professor at the University's sister school, the University For People Who Have Way Too Much Time On Their Hands So They Study Things Like Astrophysics And Hand Biting, also known as the U.F.P.W.H.W.T.M.T...."

Okay, I get the idea. Wow. I would _never_ have thought such a school existed.

"Isn't it great, all the things you can learn from fairy tales?"

Great. Anyway, eventually Daniel got so fed up with the narrow-minded students at his school who didn't appreciate his thesis that he almost had a nervous breakdown.

"I'm going crrrrrraaaaaaazzzzzzy!"

Daniel even started to ask himself why the others didn't like him.

"Why don't people like me?"

One day he sat down on the ground and stared at the sun.

"Ouch! I can't stare at the sun because it's too bright, Jack." Sorry, Daniel. Look, see the pretty clouds?

"Oooohhhh, pretty!"

Anyway, Daniel wondered if his theory had any validity at all or if everything the others said was true, that he was a geek.

"Maybe I _am_ a geek."

His advisor, Dr. Langford, felt bad for him because he was so geeky. She tried to console him and persuade him that just because he was a geek didn't mean he should give up his thesis. She suggested that he try to prove that his thesis was correct.

"And how would I do that?"

"....."

"Jack? I can't hear what Dr. Langford is saying. Mind hitting the button that allows the one-dimensional characters to speak?"

You mean there's a button that allows one-dimensional characters to speak?

"You didn't know that?"

No.

"Now you do. Hit the button, please."

I don't see any button.

"Oh, come on. You have to see it. It's on the Fairy Tale Control Panel every narrator gets, right under the button to black out all the lights."

What, this thing? *click*

"Um, Jack, you just blacked out all the lights."

Well you didn't tell me which button I was looking at!

"Just turn the lights back on, okay?"

I can't! I can't see where the button is, the lights are out!

"Great, so _now_ what are we supposed to do?"

You tell me! I'm new at this narratoring thing.

"'Narratoring' isn't a word, Jack."

Oh, for crying out loud, just tell me where the stupid button is!

"Just hit something!"

Fine! *click* What did _that_ do?

"I don't know. The lights are still out."

Nothing's happening.

"....."

.....

"Woof! Woof bark yip arf howl!!"

Daniel? Did you hear that?

"Jack, I think you hit the button to open the door on the dog kennel."

We have a dog kennel?

"Howl!"

"I think that answers your question, Jack. Hurry up and hit another button. Cassie's Dog is licking my hand."

*click* There. At least we got the lights on.

"Oh, hey, boy. Here, want a dog biscuit?"

You carry dog biscuits around everywhere you go?

"You didn't know that?"

Well...no. Anyway, how do we get rid of the dog?

"I don't know, call the pound?"

Great idea, genius. Hey, what does this button do? *click*

"Meow!"

"Jack, that was the button to release Schroedinger from his cage!"

Oops.

"Meow!"

"Growl!"

"Well, that got rid of the dog since it chased the cat out of here. Jack? Jack?"

*crash* Ouch! Hey, get out of here! Shoo! Shoo!

"Jack?"

"Bark!"

Oh, never mind me. The dog just jumped on top of the Fairy Tale Control Panel and hit a few buttons. Looks like the lights are out again.

*splat*

What was that?

"Good going, Jack, you just hit the trap door button that made Dr. Langford fall into a room full of plastic balls. Now we don't need to find the button that allows her to speak, and I'll probably never figure out how to prove my thesis. I'll always be labeled a geek!"

Hey, don't blame me, it was the dog!

"Did I hear that someone wished to remove a dog from this facility?"

"Oh, hey again, Teal'c. Nice net you got attached to the end of your staff weapon there. Yeah, Jack's having a few problems with Cassie's Dog."

"I shall assist him."

Teal'c! Boy, am I glad to see you.

"Colonel O'Neill, you cannot see me because the lights are out."

I know that...wait, how could Daniel see your net if the lights were out?

"Oops. Net? What net? Did I say I saw a net?"

"I believe you did."

Oh, never mind that, Teal'c, just get this dog out of here!

"Very well."

"Arf!"

.....! Teal'c?! What are you doing? That was my head you netted, not the dog!

"I am sorry, O'Neill. I could not see you. The lights are out."

Oh for crying out loud, Teal'c, get this net off of me!

"Very well."

Good. Now, do you know where the button for the lights is?

"I believe the dog is standing on it. I shall remove him." *click*

"And there was light."

Wow, you're observant, Daniel. Thanks, Teal'c, now get this dog out of here.

"Do you not like dogs?"

Not when they keep jumping on me and licking my face! *slurp*

"Very well. I shall place him back in the kennel."

"Yip!"

_Thank_ you. Hopefully that's the _last_ interruption we'll have. Anyway, back to the story. Daniel wanted to prove that his theory was correct, but because Dr. Langford was out of town...

"Actually, she's swimming around in the plastic balls, Jack."

Oh. Is she a good swimmer?

"I don't know, but I'll ask her. Dr. Langford? Are you a good swimmer?"

"....."

"I think that was a yes. Or maybe it was a no. I couldn't tell because she was spitting plastic balls out of her mouth."

Well, let's not worry about it. Dr. Langford is out of town. Since Daniel wasn't sure where else to go for help and because he didn't want to be a geek any more, he sought out the professor at the University's sister school, Dr. Samantha Carter.

"Hi."

"Hi, Sam."

"Daniel, why is there a hole in the middle of the floor?"

"Don't fall into it. Dr. Langford's swimming around in the plastic balls down below. You might land on her."

"Okay, I'll be careful."

So Daniel asked Sam for help.

"Sam, do you think you could help me?"

"Sure."

Wait a minute, Sam, you don't even know what he wants you to do!

"Yeah, actually I do. The dog must've turned the speakers on when it was jumping around on the Fairy Tale Control Panel. I've heard every word so far, and so has everyone else."

Great. So Daniel told Sam about his thesis and asked if she thought it could be possible. Sam launched into a long dissertation about the object Daniel called a huge, honkin' two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it.

"Gee, Daniel, your thesis is kind of bizarre and I understand why you're called a geek but then again I think that matter can be transported billions of light years across space if you..."

Two hours later, Sam concluded her dissertation.

"...so, in conclusion, yes, I do think your theory might be possible."

"Thanks, Sam. Now all I have to do is come up with some way of proving it."

So Daniel and Sam tried to come up with a way of proving Daniel's bizarre thesis.

"Hmmm...."

"Hmmm...."

"You know, Sam, I just can't think of anything."

"You know, Daniel, neither can I."

But suddenly the answer hit Sam.

*smack* "Ouch!"

"Sam? Why do you have a cat on your head?"

"Meow!"

"Mpfh mpfh, mpfh mpfh mpfh mpfh mpfh mpfh mpfh mpfh mpfh?"

"What did you say, Sam? I can't understand you with the cat's paw over your mouth."

So Sam removed the cat's paw from over her mouth.

"Daniel, didn't Teal'c catch Schroedinger when he was in here with the net?"

"I don't think so."

"Great. Can someone get this cat off of me? I had an idea but I can't think with a cat attached to my head."

"I am sorry, Captain Carter. I will remove the cat."

"Thanks, Teal'c."

"I shall put the cat in the kennel with the dog."

No!!! Teal'c, wait!

"Meow!"

"Bark!"

"Screech!"

"Growl!"

*crash*

"Oh, great, the kennel fell. Now the dog is chasing the cat around the University."

Hey, guys, catch them before they start playing with the Fairy Tale Control Panel again!

"We'll try, Sir."

So Daniel, Sam, and Teal'c ran around the University trying to catch Schroedinger and Cassie's Dog. After a long chase, Schroedinger and Cassie's Dog led them to the University For Really, Really Smart People.

"Wow, I never ever thought I'd see the inside of the University For Really, Really Smart People!"

"Maybe you can ask someone here about your thesis, Daniel."

"Good idea, Sam."

So Daniel asked a blue, fish-like professor named Nem at the University For Really, Really Smart People about his thesis.

"Nem, do you think it's possible the pyramids at Giza were built by worm-like aliens named Goa'ulds who traveled through a huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it?"

*bubble, bubble*

"Jack? I can't understand what Nem is saying. All I see are bubbles coming out of his mouth."

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he's swimming around in a fish tank, Daniel.

"Oh."

So Daniel was depressed because he thought he'd fit in with the people at the University For Really, Really Smart People but they all blew bubbles at him and called him a geek, just like the people at his own university did.

"I'm sorry, Daniel. I wish we could find someone who could prove you aren't a geek."

"So do I, Sam."

Just then Teal'c noticed something.

"Daniel Jackson..."

"My name is Daniel Duck, Teal'c."

"Daniel Duck?"

"Yeah."

"You are not a duck, Daniel Jackson."

"No, Teal'c, that's my name in this story. You know, after the ugly duckling...you don't get it either, do you?"

"No, I do not, but I will call you Daniel Duck if that is what you wish me to call you."

"Thanks, Teal'c. Now what were you going to say?"

"Schroedinger and Cassie's Dog have just run out of the University For Really, Really Smart People. Perhaps we should follow."

"You're right, maybe we should."

So Daniel, Sam, and Teal'c followed Schroedinger and Cassie's Dog out of the University For Really, Really Smart People. Schroedinger and Cassie's Dog next led them to the University For People Who Will Believe Any Crazy Story.

"Sam, look! This is the University For People Who Will Believe Any Crazy Story! They _have_ to believe my thesis here!"

"Why don't you ask them?"

"Good idea. I think I will."

So Daniel asked an alien with a funny green hair about his thesis.

"Mr. Nox Man, do you think it's possible the pyramids at Giza were built by worm-like aliens named Goa'ulds who traveled through a huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it?"

"....."

"Jack? Would you mind...?"

Oh, for crying out loud, Daniel, _no_! I _won't_ look for the button that allows one-dimensional characters to speak again! Remember what happened the last time?

"Please, Jack? I really don't want to be a geek any more."

No.

"Sir, now you know where the button for the lights is, just look for the one right below that. It's not that hard."

Oh yeah? And what are you going to do about it if I don't, Carter? Bite me on the hand?

"Only if you want me to."

No! I don't want you to bite me on the hand! Fine, I _will_ hit the one-dimensional character button. But I will _not_ be responsible for what happens.

"Oh, goodie! Mr. Nox Man will be able to talk!"

"See, Sir? Look how happy you made him."

Don't say I didn't warn you. *click*

"....? Nothing's happening."

"Colonel O'Neill. Are you certain you pressed the correct button?"

I don't know, Teal'c, you tell me!

[Yes, he pressed the correct button.]

"Teal'c? Was that you who just said that?"

"It was not I. Captain Carter?"

"Hey, don't look at me. Sir?"

Nope.

"Okay, so if it wasn't me, and it wasn't Sam, and it wasn't Teal'c, and it wasn't Jack, then who said that?"

[It is I.]

"Who is 'I'?"

"You know, that sounds just like James Earl Jones."

"Who is James Earl Jones?"

You don't know, Teal'c?

"I do not."

Think Darth Vader. Think Unas.

"Unas is James Earl Jones?"

Or maybe James Earl Jones is Unas....

[In actuality, I am Cassie's Dog.]

What the...?

"Cassie's Dog can speak?"

"Like James Earl Jones?!"

[You are correct in your supposition. I am in fact a rather intelligent, albeit companionable beast who is entirely willing to discuss with you the various intricacies of travel through the huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it, as you appear to enjoy referring to it. But please, do not mistake me with James Earl Jones. Just because my voice resembles his does not mean that I am James Earl Jones.]

"Um, I didn't know dogs could talk."

Neither did I.

"Have you not seen the television commercial in which a Chihuahua declares his desire for a certain food product called a...taco?"

Well of course, Teal'c, but that was only the magic of special effects editing...oh, never mind.

[I am a one-dimensional character in this fictional tale and, therefore, I am able to speak when the one-dimensional character button has been pressed.]

Wait a minute, you said "Bark" and "Woof" and "Arf" a whole bunch of other dog- language stuff before. Only fully dimensional characters like Daniel, Carter, and Teal'c can talk with quotation marks around their dialogue. Yours had quotation marks around it. That means that you're a fully dimensional character, not a one-dimensional character.

[Are you trying to tell me you do not wish me to speak with you any more?]

"Well, it is kinda weird to be talking with a dog who sounds just like James Earl Jones...."

[And you believe that talking with an alien with a funny green head of hair is not weird? Very well. I should have expected this level of comprehension from humans who could give me no better name than "Cassie's Dog." Your creativity is seriously lacking. I will now return to my normal canine language. Your race is still too young to be speaking to mine on matters of high intelligence and sophistication such as this anyway.] "Woof."

"Wow, that was cool. I wonder if he understands how they get the little miniature buildings inside of snow globes, too."

"Daniel, he insulted us."

"But it was still cool."

_Anyway_, Daniel, you can talk to Mr. Nox Man about your thesis now. This story is starting to run a little long.

"Oh! Sorry! Hi, Mr. Nox Man. Is it possible that the pyramids of Giza were built by aliens named Goa'ulds who came to Earth through a huge, honkin', two- story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it?"

[Would you like to buy a picture of my mother?]

"What?"

[I have this nice picture frame I'm willing to throw in for free.]

"Why would I want to buy a picture of your mother? All I want to know is if it's possible that the Giza pyramids were built by...."

[If you insist, I can also include this picture of my goldfish Goldie. But that is my final offer.]

"What is it with people and their pets in this fairy tale?"

"I think this guy is a little eccentric, Daniel. Maybe you should just buy his pictures and see if he'll talk then."

"What? You mean I have to _pay_ for this? All it is is a picture of an alien with funny purple hair!"

Do you want to be known as a geek for the rest of your life?

"Well, no...."

"Besides, Daniel, Mr. Nox Man was generous enough to offer you this nice picture of his fluorescent pink goldfish as well."

"How can a goldfish be fluorescent pink? I thought it was supposed to be golden in color."

"It can't, Teal'c. That's the whole point."

"I see. Perhaps we should call it a bright pink fish instead of a goldfish, then."

"We could do that. Jack?"

Hey, don't look at me! I'm just the narrator. You can call it whatever you want to.

"Very well."

So, in the end, Daniel bought the picture of Mr. Nox Man's mother complete with picture frame and the picture of his gold...

"Ahem."

...bright pink fish, Goldie.

"I still don't see why I had to buy these weird pictures."

[Thank you for your purchase. Your package will be taken to your space ship just as soon as my assistant with funny blue hair returns.]

"Um, we don't have a space ship, Mr. Nox Man, and I think we can carry the pictures just fine, thanks. What I really want to know is if it's possible that the pyramids at Giza were built by an alien race named Goa'ulds who came through a huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it."

[No. It is not possible. You are a geek and your theory is too bizarre. Good-bye.]

So Mr. Nox Man left, leaving behind a very depressed Daniel.

"I am very depressed."

Nobody believed his bizarre theory.

"Not even the people at the University For People Who Will Believe Any Crazy Story will believe my crazy story!" Daniel began to believe he really was a geek.

"Maybe I really am a geek."

"It's okay, Daniel. I believe your theory is possible. Of course, that doesn't mean I believe it's true. Actually, now that I think about it, it seems really bizarre. And only geeks have bizarre theories, so I guess that means you're a geek."

"Thanks for the support, Sam."

Daniel sat down on the ground and moped.

"I think I'm going to sit down on the ground and mope."

Then Cassie's Dog, who no longer spoke English in a voice like James Earl Jones, trotted up to Daniel and licked him in the face. *slurp*

"Don't bother me. I'm moping."

"Bark!"

Cassie's Dog nudged Daniel several times, but he still wouldn't move.

"Hey, what are you doing, you silly dog?"

"Woof!"

In desperation to get Daniel to move off of a bone he had buried several days ago, Cassie's Dog grabbed the pictures of Mr. Nox Man's mother and bright pink fish in his mouth.

"Wait a minute! I paid good money for those pictures and now you're just going to _take_ them from me? Give them back!"

Suddenly, Cassie's Dog spotted Schroedinger and raced after him, taking Daniel's pictures with him.

"Hey, bring those back here! At least let me mope with the weird pictures of Mr. Nox Man's family!"

Daniel stood up and followed Schroedinger and Cassie's Dog.

"Here we go again."

"I believe I am beginning to tire of all this running, Captain Carter."

"So am I, Teal'c."

So Daniel, Sam, and Teal'c ran around the University For People Who Will Believe Any Crazy Story Except For Daniel's Bizarre Thesis...."

"Wait a minute, they changed the name of the school?"

Well, they had to make an exception for your bizarre thesis, Daniel. Anyway, Daniel, Sam, and Teal'c ran after Schroedinger and Cassie's Dog. After a long trek across plains, lakes, rivers, forests, oceans, deserts, meadows, swamps, plateaus, tundras, and mountains, they found themselves at a dark, scary military base in Colorado.

"Huff! Puff! Hey, we're at a dark, scary military base in Colorado."

"Daniel, where did Schroedinger and Cassie's Dog go?"

"I don't know, Sam. Teal'c, have you seen Schroedinger and Cassie's Dog?"

"I believe they entered the dark, scary military base in Colorado."

"Oh. Maybe we should go after them."

"Do we have to?"

But Sam realized something as she looked at the intimidating door blocking the entrance to the base.

"You know, I just realized something." "What?"

"I think this place is where you could find some help proving your thesis, Daniel."

"Why do you think that?"

"I don't know. I think this was the idea I had before the cat attached itself to my head."

"Your idea was to come to a dark, scary military base in Colorado to find answers?"

"I think so."

"Interesting."

Anyway, Daniel and Sam decided to enter the dark, scary military base in Colorado.

"Hey, Sam, where did Teal'c go?"

"I don't know. Jack, any ideas?"

I think he had to change clothes for his next scene.

"Oh."

Anyway, Daniel and Sam snuck into the dark, scary military base in Colorado. This was difficult because there were no lights on.

"Ouch! Drat, I stubbed my toe on something."

"Daniel, that was my foot!"

"Sorry, Sam. It's too dark in here."

But Daniel and Sam were brave, and continued venturing into the dark, scary military base in Colorado.

*smack* "Oops, guess there's a wall there."

Suddenly the lights in the base turned on.

"Aha! Light!"

"Who turned the lights on?"

"I don't know. Sam, where are we?"

"In a dark, scary military base in Colorado, I think."

"You're right, I think that's where we are."

Then they saw something that astonished them both.

"Wow, that's astonishing."

"You're right it is astonishing."

"What is that huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it?"

Daniel got so excited...

"Oh! I'm so excited!"

...that he started jumping up and down.

*jump, jump*

"Daniel, what is it?"

"Do you know what this is, Sam?"

"A huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it?"

"Yes! It's a huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it!"

"So?"

"So this is part of my bizarre thesis!"

"Wow. That's...bizarre, Daniel."

"Isn't it great?"

"Sure."

Even more bizarre than Daniel's thesis, if that was possible, was the fact that Cassie's Dog had positioned himself in the room above the huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it and was operating a computer. Daniel and Sam looked at the dog through the transparent glass.

"That is one _really_ smart dog."

"Who sounds just like James Earl Jones."

The huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it began to move. The center of the huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it whooshed outwards, then settled into a rippling blue barrier. Daniel and Sam were amazed.

"Sam, I am really amazed."

"Daniel, I am too."

Suddenly, Schroedinger the cat ran through the room and leaped into the blue barrier. A second later, Cassie's Dog followed and also leaped through the barrier. Cassie's Dog still carried the pictures of Mr. Nox Man's mother and bright pink fish Goldie in his mouth.

"Hey! Cassie's Dog has my pictures! I want them back!"

"Maybe you should follow him, Daniel."

But her words were spoken in vain for at that moment Daniel sprinted up the ramp in front of the huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it and leaped through the blue barrier.

"Bye, Daniel. I'll see you when you get back."

Unfortunately, Daniel couldn't hear Sam's farewell because he was hurling through space at a speed that made it impossible to enjoy the ride, twisting, contorting his body just like if you get stuck on a roller coaster where the brakes don't....

"Jack, please stop. You're making me nauseous."

Sorry. Anyway, Daniel finally found himself on the other side of the blue barrier. He was greeted by a man with a snake tattoo on his forehead.

[Hello, my name is Apophis and I have a worm in my head. If I was a nicer bad guy I might give you the option of coming with me, but I believe instead I am going to take you, this dog, this cat, and these rather interesting pictures into my own personal dungeon to torture.]

"You're going to torture my pictures of Mr. Nox Man's mother and bright pink fish Goldie?"

[I will. My pictures of Mr. Nox Man's floating city and pet canary are currently full of holes where I have punctured them with staff weapon blasts.]

"Now it's, um, starting to make more sense. Please, don't damage the pictures of Mr. Nox Man's mother and bright pink fish Goldie too much, okay?"

[I will make you no guarantees, but I will try.]

"Thanks...I think."

[So tell me, man who came through the huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it, what is your name and why are you here?]

"My name is Daniel Duck and I have fled my home world because everyone there thinks I'm a geek. I have come here hoping to find a place I can fit in."

Daniel, that's not why you came to this planet.

"What?"

You came here because you were chasing Schroedinger and Cassie's Dog to get the pictures back!

"So? We don't _need_ to tell Mr. Apophis that, do we? After all, the huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it was part of my thesis, why not probe further and see if the rest of my thesis is true as well?"

Oh, fine! Have it your way! But I'm not going to stop Apophis from torturing you.

"I wasn't asking you to, Jack!"

Fine!

"Fine! Mr. Apophis, I have a question for you. Is it true that that the Great Pyramids in Egypt were built by an alien race of worms named Goa'ulds who live in people's brains, put a tattoo on their forehead, and have glowing golden eyes, who travel through a huge, honkin' two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it and is controlled by a device known as a DHD, who kidnap people and use them as slaves for mining a metal called Naquada, who move around in objects called Death Gliders or in huge flying pyramids, and who use weapons called zat'nik'atels, hand ribbons, and staff weapons?"

[It is true. Here, I will even give you this certificate of proof that what you say is true.]

"Jack, did you hear that? Now I have the proof I need that my thesis is true! I'm not a geek any more!"

But Daniel, I kinda liked calling you geek and quack and duck and....

"Jack!"

Okay! Okay! Don't forget, though, you still have to make it back to Earth and show the other students at your University that certificate. I suppose then we'll stop calling you geek. But it's just so much fun....

"Jack!"

Alright! Alright! How about you just find a way back home?

"Oh, you're right. Hmmm...maybe I should get back to Earth."

Apophis, however, wasn't going to let Daniel leave without being tortured first.

[So tell me, Daniel Duck, what is it you do for a living?]

"Well, right now I'm studying Anthropology and Linguistics at the University For People Who Have Way Too Much Time...."

[I see, I see. You no longer study Anthropology and Linguistics, Daniel. Instead you will stay here and use your Anthropology skills to analyze the culture of the Zipideedooda tribe and use your Linguistic skills to translate their complex, archaic language, Pig Latin.]

"But Mr. Apophis, I've never heard of the Zipideedooda tribe before and I don't know Pig Latin. I can't help you do the things that you ask."

The great Linguist Daniel Duck who knows 23 languages doesn't know Pig Latin?! Anielday oesn'tday owknay igpay atinlay! Owway, Iey owknay aey anguagelay hattay Anielday oesn'tday!

"Jack, cut it out! I can't understand a word you're saying! This is serious!"

[Daniel Duck is right, this is serious. He will translate Pig Latin and analyze the Zipideedooda tribe or else he will die!]

"You know, I just realized that you're only a one-dimensional character since your dialogue is in brackets."

[That is correct. The narrator forgot to turn off the one-dimensional character button. Now please, come with me.]

"Jack? Can you turn the one-dimensional character button off? I'd rather not hear what Apophis is saying while he tortures me for not knowing about the Zipideedooda tribe and Pig Latin."

Oops, sorry Daniel. I meant to turn it off before. I think I can handle that. *click*

".....!!!"

"What? I can't hear you, Mr. Apophis. Can you speak a little louder?"

".....!!!"

Wow, that button works pretty well, Daniel.

"I know. Ain't it great?"

It's so great that I think I'm going to take the rest of the day off just to bask in the glory and power of being able to turn off the voices of one- dimensional characters.

"Jack, that's just weird. Besides, you can't leave me here in the middle of the story. I have to get home!"

Oh, for crying out loud, I was being _sarcastic_, Daniel...never mind. _Anyway_, Daniel went with Apophis and attempted to translate Pig Latin and analyze the Zipideedooda tribe who spoke Pig Latin. However, he was unable to make any progress since he kept getting stuck on the grammatical structure of the language.

"All these stupid words end in -ay or -ey! I can't get anywhere with a language that makes no sense and has no form!"

Apophis was getting very upset because Daniel could not translate Pig Latin and threatened to shoot the pictures of Mr. Nox Man's mother and bight pink fish with his staff weapon unless he solve the mystery of Pig Latin.

"Oh, please, Mr. Apophis, don't hurt Mr. Nox Man's pictures. They have become very dear to me."

".....!!!"

"Hee, hee, I love that one-dimensional character button."

Unbeknownst to Daniel, the answer to translating Pig Latin lay right at his fingertips.

"Wow, this looks like a telephone lying right at my fingertips."

Daniel was right, it _was_ a telephone. So while Apophis was asleep one afternoon, he picked the phone up and dialed 9-1-1.

"Hi, is this 9-1-1?"

"It is."

"Teal'c?"

"It is I."

"Wow, is it good to hear from you again! Say, um, you wouldn't happen to know Pig Latin, would you?"

"Yes, Daniel Duck, actually I do."

"Would you mind teaching me Pig Latin?"

"I do not think that would be a problem. I will be to your dungeon in five seconds and teach you the language."

"Thanks, Teal'c."

Five seconds later, Teal'c walked into the dungeon where Daniel was hunched over a Zipideedooda book filled with Pig Latin.

"Oh, hi, Teal'c. Wow, that was fast. Nice to see you again."

"It is nice to see you as well, Daniel."

"You know, Teal'c, I was actually afraid you might dress up like a pig wearing a toga or something in order to teach me Pig Latin."

"Was I supposed to do that? I must read the script more carefully. I will change my clothes and then teach you Pig Latin."

"Teal'c! Wait! You really don't have to...."

Oh, just let him go, Daniel. There're weirder things to be than a pig wearing a toga.

"Funny, but I can't think of any."

How about a blue-footed booby?

"Okay, so that's close. Actually, that was almost as weird as hearing Cassie's Dog speak like James Earl Jones."

"I am back."

"Teal'c...you look like a pig wearing a toga."

"That is good, because I am in fact a pig wearing a toga."

Wow, you even have the cute little curly tail sticking out from the back of the toga.

"I do."

"Just can't lose that staff weapon, though, can you?"

"I must take it everywhere I go. I may need to use it."

"Right."

So Teal'c, the Latin pig, taught Daniel how to speak Pig Latin.

"You see, Daniel Duck, all you must do is remove the first consonant and place it at the end of word, then add -ay. If the word starts with a vowel, you move it to the end of the word and usually add -ey. The only exception to this rule is if the word begins with the vowel 'e'. Then you must add -ay instead of - ey."

"You're kidding! That's all there is to this language?"

"It is."

"Now I can translate this Zipideedooda book with no problem!"

"You can."

So Daniel translated the book.

"Shhh! Don't bother me! I'm translating this Pig Latin."

Sorry. Finally, Daniel was done translating the Pig Latin.

"Veryeay oodgay oybay oesday inefay? Huh? Every Good Boy Does Fine?"

"Musical staff letters?"

Is that all it says?

"No, it just repeats those words a hundred and twenty-three times throughout the first chapter, then launches into a rousing rendition of 'Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Da' in the next chapter."

In Pig Latin?

"In Pig Latin. Ipzay aey eeday ooday aday / Ipzay aey eeday aey! / Ymay hoey ymay atwhay aey onderfulway ayday / Lentypay foey unshinesay, eadinghay ymay ayway / Ipzay aey eeday ooday aday / Ipzay aey eeday aey!"

Thank you so much for singing it to us, Daniel.

"You're so welcome, Jack."

So Daniel went to Apophis and told him his exciting discovery.

"It's not really that exciting, Jack."

Let's pretend.

"Fine. Mr. Apophis, I have translated Pig Latin and determined that the Zipadeedooda tribe loves music and singing silly songs. I'm going home now. Okay?"

".....!!!"

"I believe he is upset because he was not able to torture you."

"That's okay, Teal'c. There's enough fan fiction writers out there that are _more_ than willing to do the job."

"I see."

So Daniel took the certificate of proof for his bizarre thesis and headed back to the huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it. Teal'c the Latin pig decided to come back to Earth with him. As they arrived at the huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it, Schroedinger the cat meowed and Cassie's Dog barked.

"Meow!"

"Bark!"

Cassie's Dog was carrying the pictures of Mr. Nox Man's mother and bright pink fish.

"Oh, thanks. I almost forgot these."

"You still have these pictures?"

"Yeah, although they are getting a little slimy from all the dog drool."

But Daniel ignored the dog drool and took the pictures from Cassie's Dog. He then watched in amazement as Cassie's Dog activated the Dial Home Device which controlled the huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it.

"That's amazing."

"Indeed it is."

Daniel and Teal'c the Latin pig stepped through the huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it, and Schroedinger and Cassie's Dog followed. Sam Carter was on the other side to greet them because she had appointed herself to be the welcoming committee.

"Welcome to Earth! May I take your coat...oh, it's only you, Daniel. Looks like you found a Latin pig. Wow, I haven't seen one of those in fifteen years."

"It is I, Captain Carter."

"Teal'c?"

"He taught me how to speak Pig Latin when Apophis forced me to translate the books of the Zipadeedooda tribe."

"Well, you must have had fun."

"I did."

Then Daniel told Sam his good news.

"I have good news, Sam!" *jump, jump*

"What?"

"I received this certificate of proof that my thesis is valid! I'm not a geek any more!"

"That's really good news, Daniel. Congratulations."

So Daniel, Sam, Teal'c, Schroedinger, and Cassie's Dog traveled back to the University and showed the certificate of proof to the professors and other students. Dr. Langford was very proud of her student. After she was reprimanded for swimming in plastic balls only ten minutes after eating lunch, she gave him his Degree. He became a highly respected professor at the University, framed the pictures of Mr. Nox Man's mother and bright pink fish Goldie and hung them on his wall, and changed his last name to Jackson because he realized "Duck" sounded too geeky. Daniel never again doubted his abilities as an Anthropologist and Linguist. The students apologized for having teased him and for thinking he was a geek just because he had a bizarre thesis. Thereafter, they always saw him as a great hero. A statue was erected in his honor in the center of the campus, although nobody knows who placed it there. Some people have said that a dog and cat were seen lurking about the campus the night before the statue appeared. This rumor has never been confirmed.

Sam Carter returned to her University and continued to teach astrophysics and hand biting to people who had way too much time on their hands. Every now and then she and Daniel travel back to the dark, scary military base in Colorado and greet the people who come through the huge, honkin', two-story metal ring with 39 little pictures all nicely engraved on it.

Teal'c enjoyed his new life on Earth as a dogcatcher and retired his blue-footed booby outfit and his pig wearing toga outfit. He never needed to buy costumes for costume parties again.

And as for me, I'm going home to take a nap.

And They All Lived Happily Ever After

The End

~~~~~~

*clop, clop, clop, slam*

"Are they gone?"

"Yup."

"You know, Schroedinger, I really wish those humans would have given me a better name for this fairy tale."

"Oh, I don't know, Cassie's Dog. It definitely describes who you are. I mean, you do belong to Cassandra, and you are a dog, so it does fit pretty well. What _I_ wish is that they would've let us say more in the story than "bark" and "meow" and all those overused animal sounds. We can _speak_ after all!"

"I hear ya, Schroedinger. I tried, but they thought it was weird to talk to a dog. What do they know! They didn't even include us in the conclusion of the story and tell the reader what _we_ did after Daniel came back with his certificate of proof. I mean, if we hadn't taken matters into our own paws he would never have found that certificate of proof! Like Jack said, we're fully dimensional characters. We have feelings too, thank you very much."

"No kidding. I guess we should just be happy that Jack remembered the normal fairy tale ending, instead of screwing it up like he did with the opening sentence."

"Oh, I know! Of all the humans to tell a story, how did _he_ end up telling this one?"

"Beats me. Some of their assumptions could use a little work, too, like the 'only geeks have really bizarre theories' thing."

"You noticed that too? These humans need to formulate their arguments better."

"Oh, excuse me for a minute, Cassie's Dog. I see a mouse in the corner. I have to chase it. I'll be right back."

"Sure. I'll wait here. Well, would you look at that? The silly narrator still hasn't turned the speakers off. Guess I'll have to do something about that."

*click*


End file.
